Conflicting Feelings

At 40, I am feeling good, yet conflicted at times.  I feel great that I can let go of a man and not feel so guilty about perhaps not having tried my best.  The truth is, I always try my best.  Accumulated experiences is what gives wisdom to truly knowing when it's time to quit.

So deep down, I know Cesar is not right for me ... not the way he thinks about relationships and how money ought to be spend.  He is indebted for a reason - he spends beyond his means, which means what other people thinks of him mattered too much.  I am not like that at all.  There is nothing more important to me than to be financially independent so that I can have choices in life.  Enough out there that are beyond my control.  I do not need to add more worries to myself by being foolish and vain.

Cesar came from a different past.  He has passion and determination, but there were enough bad influences in the past that made him who he is today.  I believe I see a man who had his building blocks completely shattered because of his divorce and because of his ways.  He feared losing me everyday because he knows the truth about how he spends - that he figured no tomorrow in his planning.  He knows that reality about him would disgust me.  But I finally accepted that conclusion about him.  The energy of all the things that continue to happen to him originate from his principles about money and priorities.

When I let go of him mentally, I felt a sense of relieve - a sense that I no longer needed to wonder about what exactly were his troubles and if there were ways I could help.  I could not help someone who had values and principles that kept driving himself into the same problems.  He has to take responsibilities of his actions.

It's sad but I rather live life by being true to myself and to those around me.

So I will continue to be his friend and be there for him when he needs me.  But I have to feed myself with love and happiness - and that means to have the freedom to find the ONE.

P.S. Cesar finally came to visit in December.  But because he told his kids he had no money, he had to fly back immediately when his daughter ran to take a bus to see him after she got into another argument with her mom that prompted another call to the police.  He had no money so I funded a trip that made me mad.  A person who lacks principle could never be forthright.  So it was a serious 24 hours of loving and realization that I am done.

Staying In

I have marched forth in this relationship with Cesar.  Being patient with his search for his life direction, and his attempt to keep things calm with his ex, really meant I can't put any pressure on him, consciously or unconsciously.  I am not sure if I am doing a good job.  I guess sometimes I am and he feels love and support.  But other times, he still feels I am putting stress on him.  I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

Cesar knows I wanted to see him.  He tried to take a week off and come see me this week but his boss said no.  He got more depressed.  He won a campaign but was asked to withdraw a bigger one that he bet his career on. People are breathing down his neck.  Being that he is a leader type, he has strong instincts about what to do in any situation.  Being told repeatedly about how to do things a certain way that goes against his instinct has been very difficult.  Self-doubt and a lack of control over things are tearing him apart.

He drinks on Saturdays now.  Admitting that he got wasted, he said he needed to solve his problems his way and he needed to figure things out on his own time.  Yes, I understand.  But it doesn't make it easier when I have to watch it happen and be kept at a distance.  Where do I fit in? 

I am slowly coming to realize that I have been asking the wrong question.  He needs a friend more than a lover right now.  He needs my support with no strings attached. 

Yesterday, a Saturday, I was missing him so much I busied myself with researching the upcoming trip to Hawaii for a conference.  I texted him that I will cover his airfare so long as he can commit to coming.  Today is Sunday.  I have not heard back yet, and I have no intention of texting or calling.  I I realized today that he needed to be totally lost and find himself again, at his own pace.  He will get wasted every Saturday until he gets the frustration out of his system, or not, and come out of it all on his own.  It is not about me.  He is in search of his being and his place in this world.  I love him for all that he is and will be.  I can only pray that his luck will change and his calling become clear.  For all that he is, I love.  Now, I just keep myself busy, engage in self-improvements, and pursue my career.  Life is a journey.  I want to walk it with someone special.  Cesar is special.  I just have to be patient.

   

Emotional Ups and Downs

It hurts to be ignored, especially by someone who one is in love with.  Cesar knows that.  He told me he felt so bad for that few days when I wanted to slow things down and not talk so much at night.  He never quite heard me when I said my immune system is down and I am trying to fight a virus.  Yet, he shut me out as soon as he found an escape to Spain for a course, and then more other courses.  It's all about him - his needs.  

I tried so hard to understand, to empathize.  But it hurts to be ignored.  I still feel ignored.  How can I not?  He does not respond to my texts.  He does not answer my calls.  He calls whenever he feels like it or when he has time.  Was he not so busy before?  We all make time for those we care to hear from.  

He learned last week that his phone was not getting my texts and he was not getting my calls.  We tested it over the phone.  And though I called, he said he didn't hear it ring.  So strange.  In any case, it seems that sometimes he gets my texts, but sometimes he does not.  So three days ago, I texted and asked to talk.  We talked.  I told him how I felt.  He said he loves me and he wants to be with me.  He told me I am controlling and plans everything but that he needs to love himself first and be in control of his life first before we can be happy.  I agreed - we have to have control over our lives first.  Nevertheless, all I asked was that we be in communication, like a text showing that I was on his mind or what he may be doing.  He said that's too much pressure.  But he reassured me that he loves me.

From that conversation, I decided that it's best that I stop expecting we talk at all.  He is not interested.  So why bother.  It takes two to have a conversation.  I miss him and I think of him all the time.  It's difficult emotionally.  But I seem to feel better each day.

Yesterday, he called a little after 11:00 pm.  I was very tired and was already almost in bed.  But I missed him so I stayed up to talk.  The conversation as dry.  I listened and showed my support for what he was doing at work.  I did not want to get too involved because I don't want him to think or feel that I want to control him.  I don't.  When I wanted to say good night because he kept saying he was tired 'cause he had a long day, he said I didn't want to talk.  I said I didn't know what to say.  Our conversation went back in the direction of talking about how I felt neglected, ignored and how depressed I felt.  But I emphasized that I was feeling better.  He said he loves me but that it appears to him that he can't plan the future because I don't want to get married before my kids go to college, for financial aid reasons, and he can't plan the present because he has his debt and I don't like debt.  I didn't know what to say to that.  Yes, those were my concerns.  Were they not legitimate?  

To stay sane, I am reading two books about love, and going back to doing things I love - painting.  I signed up for a two full-day painting class and I bought DVDs that teach painting techniques.  I can't wait to explore paintings more fully.  To love can hurt so much.  One day up, like today, and another day down.  My emotional vulnerability still feels so raw, even at 40.  Age doesn't change the way we feel.  It just makes it more manageable because we can put those feelings in better perspective.

Love can really hurt.  Am I brave enough to keep going?

My Heart is Healing

Work can be good, especially when I get to hear all the difficult life stories of so many people and I can put life in perspective.  Not being appreciated at work can really hurt one's psychi immeasurably.  I came to understand that Cesar's withdrawal from me could have nothing to do with me, or mostly about  him trying to find himself now that he feels like he failed at work and may lose his livelihood.  He may feel that he may lose me in the process.  I don't know.  I no longer feel I need to know.  We must find our own answers and seek our own solutions.  All I can do is be supportive of his decisions, trusting that he is on the right path just as he had been for so long before we got together.

He is special, no doubt.  But I was drawn in to the point that I couldn't focus on anything else.  That's bad.  In fact, it is too painful.  After not getting a response to my WeChating "good night" every night, and "good morning" every morning, I stopped.  He has not responded for so long I no longer feel excited to do so.  I don't want to know why because it no longer mattered.  It no longer mattered because he had been told that it is important to me that he replies but he chose not to do so.

We can only expect to matter to those we love if we make sure those we love matters.  Based on last month's experience, with him flying to Spain for a week and remained non-communicado for that whole time, then returning to Dallas only to get so busy he couldn't talk, I felt his ex-wife's pain of being ignored, which she reciprocated.  I don't want to be treated like I don't matter.  My own Ex made me feel that way and led to our divorce.  Men just don't understand how to love.

I am feeling a lot better today.  I feel I can focus my attention on my kids and the things that would make me happy.  I mailed him some clothes for father's day.  I hope he is happy to know that I care and that he matters.  Beyond that, he needs to work harder to make us happen.

I can't have another person walk all over me emotionally.  Been there, and experienced it again this past month.  I am done.  

Losing it?

Silence is a killer.  It is time for too much thinking ... wondering ... questioning.  It is time to roam the infinite unknown.  I suppose it is at this very moment that trust is most vital.  But we are creatures who can't help how we feel.

It used to be that he would call me often.  Now, we are living not just physically apart, but mentally apart.  It has been very difficult since he lost his campaign.  I asked and I asked, in my hesitated talk and in texts, whether he is still trying to come to New York.  He said desperation gives him anxiety.  He said he wants to focus on his work but not kill himself over it anymore.  He worries about his health, saying he is very sleepy after every meal.  He stopped calling at night, with reasons for why he does not pick up and why he didn't call.

I am worry too.  I am worry about my own health from not being with him.  I worry that this distance will kill us both, or kill what we have build.

I still wonder if I know him.  I sometimes wonder if I am in love with being in love, so this silence and uncertainty is naturally tearing me apart.  But then again, we are all in love with being in love.  The feeling is wonderful.  One-sided love can be so isolating ... lonely ... sad.

I went shopping today for fathers day.  There are two men I need in my life right now - Cesar and the father of my children.  (My Dad will get cash, as always.)  I just want to love them and show them love.  My goal is to show I care.  No desire for anything in return.  I just want to love.  I want to live my everyday with happiness.  I don't feel it right now.  And I fear transferring those feelings to those around me.

Perhaps, the next post will be something more cheerful.

Aching Heart

Silence has a way of creating doubt.  From red hot feelings needing to talk every minute to silence is torture.  I guess I did that to him just after we parted in Florida.  That was because I needed him to show me this relationship isn't all about him and his needs, that he can focus on me a bit too.  Afterall, it was my birthday.  That was back in early March.

Between March and now, he lost a huge organizing campaign, got disrespected by his superiors and colleagues about his abilities, and appeared to be lost about who he is.  My heart aches for him.  I know he is in pain.

But silence, this silence he is imposing on me, is tearing me apart.  I am not so strong.  I need a response on WeChat.  I need my calls returned.  I need him to tell me what is on his mind, not what he wants me to hear.

I miss him deeply.  I want to cry.

Soulmate

This term is no longer what it use to mean to me.  I thought he was the soulmate.  But as the months went on, I am less certain of it.  I found him self-absorbed.  Everything was about him and how he is doing.  Does this sound familiar?  Yes, I felt that was how the Ex was too - all about him and nothing about me.  Perhaps I made it so by recognizing that he was going through a difficult time in his life - the divorce and a new job, with lots of debt accumulated as a result. 

I absorbed his stress like a sponge, trying to figure out solutions and helping whenever I can.  He started to depend on me, but my life is busy too with lots of responsibilities and stress.  The result?  He keeps me up all night talking about his work and his issues.  Meanwhile, I am dying at this end with no sleep and too much that require my mind to function well in order to keep things in order. 

Valentine's Day came and went.  I told him I understand because his work is stressful and he is broke. 

Then my birthday came and went even though I flew him out to be with me.  He made me feel quite not special.  If this is how exciting I am to him, then I rather be alone.  If making me happy doesn't cross his mind, then I rather be alone.  My silence must have woke him up.  He sent me flowers through a friend here in NYC.  The roses were beautiful, and he added tulips, my favorite flower. 

We talked.  I said very little aside from, "please don't take me for granted".  The rest he seems to know without my telling.  He said I am his true love and not to let him go ... he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

If soulmate is not one which hits me like a thunderbolt, then it is experiences like these that a soulmate relationship is formed.  I will wait and see.  No more shopping for him.  This spoils him.  No more going out of my way to talk to him.  My health and career have to come first as long as he is so far away.

Do I love him?  Yes.  My heart longs for him and his happiness.  I want him to be happy.  I just wish there is more I can do to make his life less stressful now.  But we all have our struggles.  Those struggles are best solved on our own.  As he said, he just wants some listening ears.