Moving On for Everyone

It was a quiet, normal, and peaceful Saturday until the anger, hurt, and fear boiled over from the Ex.  I have known for at least the last three weeks that he was having a hard time about my falling in love with someone else.  Hey, it has been more than four years since our separation and divorce.  Nothing has happened between us so what does he expect?  He can't claim he was really trying to win me back.  He did not.  The truth is, we both know something was over between us.  I am not inspired by him and I don't care to live my life with him.  I am sure he felt it.  He had on a few occasion said that it was good that we are no longer together.  This meeting of the minds was still not enough to end it for him, as I now feel.  Yes, perhaps it ended but we are still emotional beings.  Letting go is a process.

He said I don't buy nice clothes for the kids, and that they should not be wearing hand-me-downs at our income.  If our kids are not living our income level, then I don't know what kind of spending he expects from me.  He is not paying much child support, in the bigger scheme of things.  Designer clothes are not how I want to raise my kids.  Spending all the money on looks is also not my style.  I don't even think it's his philosophy.  He said he'll buy them their coat and bill me from the child support.  I said no, that he doesn't have the right to decide how the child support money is to be spent.  The truth is, I buy more than they need.  He said this is joint custody so he has a right to decide this.  We argued this over the dinner table at his place, because he invited me over and I had to bring new sets of cloths over anyway.  He asked me to leave, saying that I argued with him in front of the kids.  I was so mad that he would kick me out of his apartment, when I never did that to him at my place.  He said I kicked him out of our marriage.  I said I was glad I did because we would never work.  He gave me back my apartment key and I gave him back his.  Then I left.  As I was waiting for the elevator, Diane came out and kissed me.  I was so angry.  She saw it.

I feel a sense of sadness, really.  I had always been so proud of our friendly and working relationship since our separation.  Our kids are normal healthy and happy kids because of it.  Now, things are changing and I am afraid.  Should I have just let him buy that coat and not get into a principled argument about how he does not have a right to tell me how the child support money is to be spent?  Should I have not let things escalated?  Perhaps I should have been more understanding of the pain he is going through in finally letting go?  I don't know.  Things have changed and finding the new equilibrium is the new task.

Fears

We had a long heart to heart talk about being with our prior lovers again.  The conversation started with me sharing my discomfort that JK is distancing himself from me, which I felt was unnatural.  He said I should be distancing from him now that I am in a relationship.  He said that while I would not have to worry that he and Lissette would get back together due to how their marriage ended - her unfaithfulness, JK and I did not have a third party intrude.  He said that JK and I separated for reasons that did not concern a third party so we are probably more likely to get back together.

How do I assure him that when it's over it's over?  It has been more than 4 years ago that we visited D.C.  together.  Our love faded and our desire for intimacy waned.

The only person I love now is him.  He is my soulmate, who I trust deeply.

Two More Hours ...

he'll be in my arms again.  This has been the longest we've been apart so far - a day short of five weeks.   FaceTime every night was not enough.  I need to feel his touch, his kiss, and his embrace.  He was so anxious, he couldn't sleep.  This distance, I hope, only makes us treasure our time together that much more.  And when we unite, eventually, we would appreciate our everyday and every moment together, still.