He is flying back this Friday, after being away from me since last Monday, which is a week ago. I can't wait to see him, be in his presence, and be in his arms. His voice is now a constant in my life. The long and late night calls are taking a lot of energy from me. So seeing him in person should be better.
We have gone through so much over the phone (yes, over the phone) in the last week. Distance is difficult. I could not imagine the loneliness he lives traveling from place to place, driving for an average of 5 hours each time. I guess that's why it doesn't seem like a big deal to him that we'll drive from NYC to DC on Sunday. He invited me to an event at the White House where he is expected to get an award for his community services on Monday. He is amazing. I can't wait to be his date and spend time with him. I just want to enjoy the moments. He feels so right when I dream about our future. But, he is not perfect. He feel so wrong when I think about his life now - in the process of a divorce with an imminent hearing on child support and spousal support. He said his wife loves money and wants everything that she can get. He is living from paycheck to paycheck.
An ideal man usually doesn't come at the ideal moment. But we all have our ups and downs in life. Perhaps he will understand me better now when he is meeting me at his worst. I am in love with him for who he is, not how much he makes at all. He will be someone I can dream of a better life together. Best of all, we will dream of a better world together. I truly believe in that. Sex has been beyond expectation. But that only fills a small part of our days and a small area of our brain. The rest of time, we would have so much to talk about.
He will be someone great one day. He will change the labor movement and set it on a different direction. He will make it with me as his cheer leader!
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Recap of a Lover Who is Flying Away
Will he fly back? I miss him already and he only walked out the door moments ago.
Our first dinner together was just four days ago at a Korean restaurant. I ordered my favorite dishes for us. When all the food came, he asked, "Are you ready?" I said, "Oh Yeah," and proceeded to quickly clean my chopsticks to pick out from the food when he said, "May I have your hand?" I looked up, both of his hands were extended in an invitation for mine. He repeated, "Please give me your hands so we can thank the Lord for these food." I quickly dropped the chopsticks and gave him my hands and closed my eyes. As he prayed, I giggled. So embarrassing! I have forgotten to pray before every meal. After all, the last time I went to church was more than 15 years ago. But his prayer felt great. I felt connected to him. It's hard not to like a man who give thanks for what he can experience.
We watched Sistas, a musical about black women's history in America. Great songs of the times were sang by five beautiful voices. We loved it. I decided on this show because he loves music and he loves to sing. Today, I asked him if he knows much about African American history. He said he doesn't. I should not have assumed he knows since I studied it in college. I will have to bring him up to speed.
We had a good time. I love this man, so strongly and so quickly. I know I love him because I want to protect him. I want him to feel safe in my arms. I want him to know that I am there for him. It's the connection that I had been searching for. At the same time, three days together doesn't make a viable relationship. He is flying back to Texas tomorrow morning. It is possible that we won't be seeing each other for some time, unless the offer of employment from a certain company in New Jersey could pay him the salary he needed in light of his child support and alimony obligations. But I could see that he is trying to be in New York to be near me. Then again, his children are requesting that he takes another offer in Texas so he could see them every two weeks rather than once a month.
He asked me if I will tell my friends that I am dating him now. I told him we are not dating. He was surprised. He said he thought he had solidified our relationship now, implicitly because I support wherever he chooses to be. Obviously I support him. But there is no foundation to our relationship to start a long distance relationship. I explained that we can't live in our imagination of who the other person is, which is what would happen if we start a long distance dating relationship where I only know about him from what he tells me, and he would only know about me from what I tell him. He said he is disappointed but he understands. At the end, he said he considers us dating now, and it doesn't matter what I say. We kissed, and he can't stop kissing me.
I feel good, and I feel bad. I feel lucky and I feel I need to be cautious. I know he loves me and wants to have me in his life. I asked him to make it happen. He said he will.
Our first dinner together was just four days ago at a Korean restaurant. I ordered my favorite dishes for us. When all the food came, he asked, "Are you ready?" I said, "Oh Yeah," and proceeded to quickly clean my chopsticks to pick out from the food when he said, "May I have your hand?" I looked up, both of his hands were extended in an invitation for mine. He repeated, "Please give me your hands so we can thank the Lord for these food." I quickly dropped the chopsticks and gave him my hands and closed my eyes. As he prayed, I giggled. So embarrassing! I have forgotten to pray before every meal. After all, the last time I went to church was more than 15 years ago. But his prayer felt great. I felt connected to him. It's hard not to like a man who give thanks for what he can experience.
We watched Sistas, a musical about black women's history in America. Great songs of the times were sang by five beautiful voices. We loved it. I decided on this show because he loves music and he loves to sing. Today, I asked him if he knows much about African American history. He said he doesn't. I should not have assumed he knows since I studied it in college. I will have to bring him up to speed.
We had a good time. I love this man, so strongly and so quickly. I know I love him because I want to protect him. I want him to feel safe in my arms. I want him to know that I am there for him. It's the connection that I had been searching for. At the same time, three days together doesn't make a viable relationship. He is flying back to Texas tomorrow morning. It is possible that we won't be seeing each other for some time, unless the offer of employment from a certain company in New Jersey could pay him the salary he needed in light of his child support and alimony obligations. But I could see that he is trying to be in New York to be near me. Then again, his children are requesting that he takes another offer in Texas so he could see them every two weeks rather than once a month.
He asked me if I will tell my friends that I am dating him now. I told him we are not dating. He was surprised. He said he thought he had solidified our relationship now, implicitly because I support wherever he chooses to be. Obviously I support him. But there is no foundation to our relationship to start a long distance relationship. I explained that we can't live in our imagination of who the other person is, which is what would happen if we start a long distance dating relationship where I only know about him from what he tells me, and he would only know about me from what I tell him. He said he is disappointed but he understands. At the end, he said he considers us dating now, and it doesn't matter what I say. We kissed, and he can't stop kissing me.
I feel good, and I feel bad. I feel lucky and I feel I need to be cautious. I know he loves me and wants to have me in his life. I asked him to make it happen. He said he will.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Heaven
If I could have had a taste of heaven, then I must have been there this morning. I woke up with him next to me and that must have been the most peaceful and fulfilling feeling ever. How many woman could say that her man had serenaded her with love song and spiritual songs all night and in the morning? He is amazing. So real. So true. The best lover ever! Yes, that seem so soon, but it seemed so right - so perfect.
If I could be with him for the rest of my life, I will be happy.
Oh, I have to change the title of this blog now. Yay!
If I could be with him for the rest of my life, I will be happy.
Oh, I have to change the title of this blog now. Yay!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Who Am I?
At 39, I still wonder if I know myself. I see friends who are great people but never find their love, and I would know why - they are either too impatient to work through differences or too scare to stay in uncertainty with the person they are in a relationship. After four years of divorce, I finally feel I am falling in love with the one. I just love the way he is - the way he talks, smiles, looks at me ... and thinks about family.
The love is mutual, but complicated. I am feeling, for the first time, how emotionally difficult his divorce negotiation has been for him. After three weeks of texts and phone calls, we met today. Looking into his eyes, I see a man in pain, though in love. With all the shortcomings of his ex, he loves her deeply and has been hurt deeply. Will I ever be able to fill that space in his heart? Am I just a passerby who is going to make him feel better? Yes, these are questions from my own insecurities. I dropped him off at his uncle's house, and he wouldn't kiss me good-bye because a family member was in front of the house. He had no idea how bad it made me feel. I don't blame him for not wanting to shock his family with the news of his divorce by kissing a woman-not-his-wife passionately at drop-off. But I don't ever want to be in a secret relationship where we live separate lives. I should be the gem he wants to show off at the first instance; not to be hidden from sight. This is a line I cannot wiggle ... at least deep inside I know I cannot be happy and be proud of a relationship where I am to be kept at a distance from what is important to him. Am I just too sensitive? Perhaps I just need to let him know?
The birds are singing at this hour. I miss him and I can't get him out of my mind. I am in love. Why is love never just ecstasy? The feeling of love always comes with a little hurt ...
I love him and I want him in my life in that special way. I don't want to let him go just to see if he will come back more ready for my love. I want to walk with him through the most difficult times in his life. I want him to be happy even if we can never be. I don't know how else to love but to love deeply. Is this my ultimate weakness? Is this the source of my demise?
Perhaps I should enjoy these moments with him, love him the way my heart tells me to love him, and let him find his way. Perhaps that's what love should be.
The love is mutual, but complicated. I am feeling, for the first time, how emotionally difficult his divorce negotiation has been for him. After three weeks of texts and phone calls, we met today. Looking into his eyes, I see a man in pain, though in love. With all the shortcomings of his ex, he loves her deeply and has been hurt deeply. Will I ever be able to fill that space in his heart? Am I just a passerby who is going to make him feel better? Yes, these are questions from my own insecurities. I dropped him off at his uncle's house, and he wouldn't kiss me good-bye because a family member was in front of the house. He had no idea how bad it made me feel. I don't blame him for not wanting to shock his family with the news of his divorce by kissing a woman-not-his-wife passionately at drop-off. But I don't ever want to be in a secret relationship where we live separate lives. I should be the gem he wants to show off at the first instance; not to be hidden from sight. This is a line I cannot wiggle ... at least deep inside I know I cannot be happy and be proud of a relationship where I am to be kept at a distance from what is important to him. Am I just too sensitive? Perhaps I just need to let him know?
The birds are singing at this hour. I miss him and I can't get him out of my mind. I am in love. Why is love never just ecstasy? The feeling of love always comes with a little hurt ...
I love him and I want him in my life in that special way. I don't want to let him go just to see if he will come back more ready for my love. I want to walk with him through the most difficult times in his life. I want him to be happy even if we can never be. I don't know how else to love but to love deeply. Is this my ultimate weakness? Is this the source of my demise?
Perhaps I should enjoy these moments with him, love him the way my heart tells me to love him, and let him find his way. Perhaps that's what love should be.
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