Who Am I?

At 39, I still wonder if I know myself.  I see friends who are great people but never find their love, and I would know why - they are either too impatient to work through differences or too scare to stay in uncertainty with the person they are in a relationship.  After four years of divorce, I finally feel I am falling in love with the one.  I just love the way he is - the way he talks, smiles, looks at me ... and thinks about family.

The love is mutual, but complicated.  I am feeling, for the first time, how emotionally difficult his divorce negotiation has been for him.  After three weeks of texts and phone calls, we met today.  Looking into his eyes, I see a man in pain, though in love.  With all the shortcomings of his ex, he loves her deeply and has been hurt deeply.  Will I ever be able to fill that space in his heart?  Am I just a passerby who is going to make him feel better?  Yes, these are questions from my own insecurities.  I dropped him off at his uncle's house, and he wouldn't kiss me good-bye because a family member was in front of the house.  He had no idea how bad it made me feel.  I don't blame him for not wanting to shock his family with the news of his divorce by kissing a woman-not-his-wife passionately at drop-off.  But I don't ever want to be in a secret relationship where we live separate lives.  I should be the gem he wants to show off at the first instance; not to be hidden from sight.  This is a line I cannot wiggle ... at least deep inside I know I cannot be happy and be proud of a relationship where I am to be kept at a distance from what is important to him.  Am I just too sensitive?  Perhaps I just need to let him know?

The birds are singing at this hour.  I miss him and I can't get him out of my mind.  I am in love.  Why is love never just ecstasy?  The feeling of love always comes with a little hurt ...

I love him and I want him in my life in that special way.  I don't want to let him go just to see if he will come back more ready for my love.  I want to walk with him through the most difficult times in his life. I want him to be happy even if we can never be.  I don't know how else to love but to love deeply.  Is this my ultimate weakness?  Is this the source of my demise?

Perhaps I should enjoy these moments with him, love him the way my heart tells me to love him, and let him find his way.  Perhaps that's what love should be.