Cesar came and go as always. After two years of waiting for him to come to New York, I made up my mind to move on. It was a process of detachment that was full of doubts and lost dreams. Pain, disappointments, resentment were all part of the letting go. Cesar woke up to it slowly. I love passionately, but when I let go, I let go. Because when I let go, all the rosy future of a beautiful life together is balanced with all the negatives that could have been based on what I saw but couldn't ignore with my head above romance.
With no warning, he called and said New York is cold today. He asked to see me tonight. I told him half an hour after the kids fall asleep. He was happy and thanked me.
At 10:45 pm, I opened my door to flowers. Romantic as always, the best that he could afford. I invited him in and gave him warm soup. He looked cold. Only about 25 degrees outside. But the only thing he wanted to do was to hold me in his arms. He kneeled down and kissed my hands. I was motionless and kept him at a distance. He said sorry and asked if he had come too late. He asked if I had moved on. I said, "Yes, mentally." I asked him to sit because I have lots of dishes to wash. He said he'll do that. He quickly washed all my dishes, like he had always done before. He held me tight and didn't want to let go. He said I am beautiful and so smart and talented. My paintings in the living room made him weak and full of regrets. I took out the box I had put his clothes left in my apartment from a year ago. I gave him some of the clothes, socks, and the hat that he so desperately needed now. Sadness was all I felt coming from his eyes and body. I tried to look him in the eyes but he kept them down and away from me. His knit hat covered his eyes. I held him and kissed his cheeks ... my skin touched his wet warm tears. I felt his pain, and I felt sorry for him ... because I have moved on. I had stood up for myself and for my own happiness, that I will find a man who will love me back fully ... not one who comes and goes as he wished but one who would stay to make a life with me together. I need a man who knows what he wants ... and I better be the one who he will fight for because I am worth it.
I love him and I wish him well. I would like to see him do well, and be in my life. Because he will always be my hero even though he will not be my life partner.
