It was a quiet, normal, and peaceful Saturday until the anger, hurt, and fear boiled over from the Ex. I have known for at least the last three weeks that he was having a hard time about my falling in love with someone else. Hey, it has been more than four years since our separation and divorce. Nothing has happened between us so what does he expect? He can't claim he was really trying to win me back. He did not. The truth is, we both know something was over between us. I am not inspired by him and I don't care to live my life with him. I am sure he felt it. He had on a few occasion said that it was good that we are no longer together. This meeting of the minds was still not enough to end it for him, as I now feel. Yes, perhaps it ended but we are still emotional beings. Letting go is a process.
He said I don't buy nice clothes for the kids, and that they should not be wearing hand-me-downs at our income. If our kids are not living our income level, then I don't know what kind of spending he expects from me. He is not paying much child support, in the bigger scheme of things. Designer clothes are not how I want to raise my kids. Spending all the money on looks is also not my style. I don't even think it's his philosophy. He said he'll buy them their coat and bill me from the child support. I said no, that he doesn't have the right to decide how the child support money is to be spent. The truth is, I buy more than they need. He said this is joint custody so he has a right to decide this. We argued this over the dinner table at his place, because he invited me over and I had to bring new sets of cloths over anyway. He asked me to leave, saying that I argued with him in front of the kids. I was so mad that he would kick me out of his apartment, when I never did that to him at my place. He said I kicked him out of our marriage. I said I was glad I did because we would never work. He gave me back my apartment key and I gave him back his. Then I left. As I was waiting for the elevator, Diane came out and kissed me. I was so angry. She saw it.
I feel a sense of sadness, really. I had always been so proud of our friendly and working relationship since our separation. Our kids are normal healthy and happy kids because of it. Now, things are changing and I am afraid. Should I have just let him buy that coat and not get into a principled argument about how he does not have a right to tell me how the child support money is to be spent? Should I have not let things escalated? Perhaps I should have been more understanding of the pain he is going through in finally letting go? I don't know. Things have changed and finding the new equilibrium is the new task.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Fears
We had a long heart to heart talk about being with our prior lovers again. The conversation started with me sharing my discomfort that JK is distancing himself from me, which I felt was unnatural. He said I should be distancing from him now that I am in a relationship. He said that while I would not have to worry that he and Lissette would get back together due to how their marriage ended - her unfaithfulness, JK and I did not have a third party intrude. He said that JK and I separated for reasons that did not concern a third party so we are probably more likely to get back together.
How do I assure him that when it's over it's over? It has been more than 4 years ago that we visited D.C. together. Our love faded and our desire for intimacy waned.
The only person I love now is him. He is my soulmate, who I trust deeply.
How do I assure him that when it's over it's over? It has been more than 4 years ago that we visited D.C. together. Our love faded and our desire for intimacy waned.
The only person I love now is him. He is my soulmate, who I trust deeply.
Two More Hours ...
he'll be in my arms again. This has been the longest we've been apart so far - a day short of five weeks. FaceTime every night was not enough. I need to feel his touch, his kiss, and his embrace. He was so anxious, he couldn't sleep. This distance, I hope, only makes us treasure our time together that much more. And when we unite, eventually, we would appreciate our everyday and every moment together, still.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
He is Flying Back!
He is flying back this Friday, after being away from me since last Monday, which is a week ago. I can't wait to see him, be in his presence, and be in his arms. His voice is now a constant in my life. The long and late night calls are taking a lot of energy from me. So seeing him in person should be better.
We have gone through so much over the phone (yes, over the phone) in the last week. Distance is difficult. I could not imagine the loneliness he lives traveling from place to place, driving for an average of 5 hours each time. I guess that's why it doesn't seem like a big deal to him that we'll drive from NYC to DC on Sunday. He invited me to an event at the White House where he is expected to get an award for his community services on Monday. He is amazing. I can't wait to be his date and spend time with him. I just want to enjoy the moments. He feels so right when I dream about our future. But, he is not perfect. He feel so wrong when I think about his life now - in the process of a divorce with an imminent hearing on child support and spousal support. He said his wife loves money and wants everything that she can get. He is living from paycheck to paycheck.
An ideal man usually doesn't come at the ideal moment. But we all have our ups and downs in life. Perhaps he will understand me better now when he is meeting me at his worst. I am in love with him for who he is, not how much he makes at all. He will be someone I can dream of a better life together. Best of all, we will dream of a better world together. I truly believe in that. Sex has been beyond expectation. But that only fills a small part of our days and a small area of our brain. The rest of time, we would have so much to talk about.
He will be someone great one day. He will change the labor movement and set it on a different direction. He will make it with me as his cheer leader!
We have gone through so much over the phone (yes, over the phone) in the last week. Distance is difficult. I could not imagine the loneliness he lives traveling from place to place, driving for an average of 5 hours each time. I guess that's why it doesn't seem like a big deal to him that we'll drive from NYC to DC on Sunday. He invited me to an event at the White House where he is expected to get an award for his community services on Monday. He is amazing. I can't wait to be his date and spend time with him. I just want to enjoy the moments. He feels so right when I dream about our future. But, he is not perfect. He feel so wrong when I think about his life now - in the process of a divorce with an imminent hearing on child support and spousal support. He said his wife loves money and wants everything that she can get. He is living from paycheck to paycheck.
An ideal man usually doesn't come at the ideal moment. But we all have our ups and downs in life. Perhaps he will understand me better now when he is meeting me at his worst. I am in love with him for who he is, not how much he makes at all. He will be someone I can dream of a better life together. Best of all, we will dream of a better world together. I truly believe in that. Sex has been beyond expectation. But that only fills a small part of our days and a small area of our brain. The rest of time, we would have so much to talk about.
He will be someone great one day. He will change the labor movement and set it on a different direction. He will make it with me as his cheer leader!
Monday, July 8, 2013
Recap of a Lover Who is Flying Away
Will he fly back? I miss him already and he only walked out the door moments ago.
Our first dinner together was just four days ago at a Korean restaurant. I ordered my favorite dishes for us. When all the food came, he asked, "Are you ready?" I said, "Oh Yeah," and proceeded to quickly clean my chopsticks to pick out from the food when he said, "May I have your hand?" I looked up, both of his hands were extended in an invitation for mine. He repeated, "Please give me your hands so we can thank the Lord for these food." I quickly dropped the chopsticks and gave him my hands and closed my eyes. As he prayed, I giggled. So embarrassing! I have forgotten to pray before every meal. After all, the last time I went to church was more than 15 years ago. But his prayer felt great. I felt connected to him. It's hard not to like a man who give thanks for what he can experience.
We watched Sistas, a musical about black women's history in America. Great songs of the times were sang by five beautiful voices. We loved it. I decided on this show because he loves music and he loves to sing. Today, I asked him if he knows much about African American history. He said he doesn't. I should not have assumed he knows since I studied it in college. I will have to bring him up to speed.
We had a good time. I love this man, so strongly and so quickly. I know I love him because I want to protect him. I want him to feel safe in my arms. I want him to know that I am there for him. It's the connection that I had been searching for. At the same time, three days together doesn't make a viable relationship. He is flying back to Texas tomorrow morning. It is possible that we won't be seeing each other for some time, unless the offer of employment from a certain company in New Jersey could pay him the salary he needed in light of his child support and alimony obligations. But I could see that he is trying to be in New York to be near me. Then again, his children are requesting that he takes another offer in Texas so he could see them every two weeks rather than once a month.
He asked me if I will tell my friends that I am dating him now. I told him we are not dating. He was surprised. He said he thought he had solidified our relationship now, implicitly because I support wherever he chooses to be. Obviously I support him. But there is no foundation to our relationship to start a long distance relationship. I explained that we can't live in our imagination of who the other person is, which is what would happen if we start a long distance dating relationship where I only know about him from what he tells me, and he would only know about me from what I tell him. He said he is disappointed but he understands. At the end, he said he considers us dating now, and it doesn't matter what I say. We kissed, and he can't stop kissing me.
I feel good, and I feel bad. I feel lucky and I feel I need to be cautious. I know he loves me and wants to have me in his life. I asked him to make it happen. He said he will.
Our first dinner together was just four days ago at a Korean restaurant. I ordered my favorite dishes for us. When all the food came, he asked, "Are you ready?" I said, "Oh Yeah," and proceeded to quickly clean my chopsticks to pick out from the food when he said, "May I have your hand?" I looked up, both of his hands were extended in an invitation for mine. He repeated, "Please give me your hands so we can thank the Lord for these food." I quickly dropped the chopsticks and gave him my hands and closed my eyes. As he prayed, I giggled. So embarrassing! I have forgotten to pray before every meal. After all, the last time I went to church was more than 15 years ago. But his prayer felt great. I felt connected to him. It's hard not to like a man who give thanks for what he can experience.
We watched Sistas, a musical about black women's history in America. Great songs of the times were sang by five beautiful voices. We loved it. I decided on this show because he loves music and he loves to sing. Today, I asked him if he knows much about African American history. He said he doesn't. I should not have assumed he knows since I studied it in college. I will have to bring him up to speed.
We had a good time. I love this man, so strongly and so quickly. I know I love him because I want to protect him. I want him to feel safe in my arms. I want him to know that I am there for him. It's the connection that I had been searching for. At the same time, three days together doesn't make a viable relationship. He is flying back to Texas tomorrow morning. It is possible that we won't be seeing each other for some time, unless the offer of employment from a certain company in New Jersey could pay him the salary he needed in light of his child support and alimony obligations. But I could see that he is trying to be in New York to be near me. Then again, his children are requesting that he takes another offer in Texas so he could see them every two weeks rather than once a month.
He asked me if I will tell my friends that I am dating him now. I told him we are not dating. He was surprised. He said he thought he had solidified our relationship now, implicitly because I support wherever he chooses to be. Obviously I support him. But there is no foundation to our relationship to start a long distance relationship. I explained that we can't live in our imagination of who the other person is, which is what would happen if we start a long distance dating relationship where I only know about him from what he tells me, and he would only know about me from what I tell him. He said he is disappointed but he understands. At the end, he said he considers us dating now, and it doesn't matter what I say. We kissed, and he can't stop kissing me.
I feel good, and I feel bad. I feel lucky and I feel I need to be cautious. I know he loves me and wants to have me in his life. I asked him to make it happen. He said he will.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Heaven
If I could have had a taste of heaven, then I must have been there this morning. I woke up with him next to me and that must have been the most peaceful and fulfilling feeling ever. How many woman could say that her man had serenaded her with love song and spiritual songs all night and in the morning? He is amazing. So real. So true. The best lover ever! Yes, that seem so soon, but it seemed so right - so perfect.
If I could be with him for the rest of my life, I will be happy.
Oh, I have to change the title of this blog now. Yay!
If I could be with him for the rest of my life, I will be happy.
Oh, I have to change the title of this blog now. Yay!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Who Am I?
At 39, I still wonder if I know myself. I see friends who are great people but never find their love, and I would know why - they are either too impatient to work through differences or too scare to stay in uncertainty with the person they are in a relationship. After four years of divorce, I finally feel I am falling in love with the one. I just love the way he is - the way he talks, smiles, looks at me ... and thinks about family.
The love is mutual, but complicated. I am feeling, for the first time, how emotionally difficult his divorce negotiation has been for him. After three weeks of texts and phone calls, we met today. Looking into his eyes, I see a man in pain, though in love. With all the shortcomings of his ex, he loves her deeply and has been hurt deeply. Will I ever be able to fill that space in his heart? Am I just a passerby who is going to make him feel better? Yes, these are questions from my own insecurities. I dropped him off at his uncle's house, and he wouldn't kiss me good-bye because a family member was in front of the house. He had no idea how bad it made me feel. I don't blame him for not wanting to shock his family with the news of his divorce by kissing a woman-not-his-wife passionately at drop-off. But I don't ever want to be in a secret relationship where we live separate lives. I should be the gem he wants to show off at the first instance; not to be hidden from sight. This is a line I cannot wiggle ... at least deep inside I know I cannot be happy and be proud of a relationship where I am to be kept at a distance from what is important to him. Am I just too sensitive? Perhaps I just need to let him know?
The birds are singing at this hour. I miss him and I can't get him out of my mind. I am in love. Why is love never just ecstasy? The feeling of love always comes with a little hurt ...
I love him and I want him in my life in that special way. I don't want to let him go just to see if he will come back more ready for my love. I want to walk with him through the most difficult times in his life. I want him to be happy even if we can never be. I don't know how else to love but to love deeply. Is this my ultimate weakness? Is this the source of my demise?
Perhaps I should enjoy these moments with him, love him the way my heart tells me to love him, and let him find his way. Perhaps that's what love should be.
The love is mutual, but complicated. I am feeling, for the first time, how emotionally difficult his divorce negotiation has been for him. After three weeks of texts and phone calls, we met today. Looking into his eyes, I see a man in pain, though in love. With all the shortcomings of his ex, he loves her deeply and has been hurt deeply. Will I ever be able to fill that space in his heart? Am I just a passerby who is going to make him feel better? Yes, these are questions from my own insecurities. I dropped him off at his uncle's house, and he wouldn't kiss me good-bye because a family member was in front of the house. He had no idea how bad it made me feel. I don't blame him for not wanting to shock his family with the news of his divorce by kissing a woman-not-his-wife passionately at drop-off. But I don't ever want to be in a secret relationship where we live separate lives. I should be the gem he wants to show off at the first instance; not to be hidden from sight. This is a line I cannot wiggle ... at least deep inside I know I cannot be happy and be proud of a relationship where I am to be kept at a distance from what is important to him. Am I just too sensitive? Perhaps I just need to let him know?
The birds are singing at this hour. I miss him and I can't get him out of my mind. I am in love. Why is love never just ecstasy? The feeling of love always comes with a little hurt ...
I love him and I want him in my life in that special way. I don't want to let him go just to see if he will come back more ready for my love. I want to walk with him through the most difficult times in his life. I want him to be happy even if we can never be. I don't know how else to love but to love deeply. Is this my ultimate weakness? Is this the source of my demise?
Perhaps I should enjoy these moments with him, love him the way my heart tells me to love him, and let him find his way. Perhaps that's what love should be.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I Found Him
Or better yet, he found me.
I have never felt so safe with someone until he came along. It started with a text to seek an advice a few weeks ago. Then it was to catch up after not being in touch for the last three years. Just like that, we were on the phone, talking about our favorite topics - workers rights, the state of the world, and how we can make it better. The calls went from "hello" at 10:00 pm, to 2:00 am, when I was just too tired to continue talking, even though getting off the phone got harder each time. The truth is, I have never felt so comfortable and connected to someone so instantly, as if I have known him for years. His voice - patient and respectful, his tone - soothing with love. He said he admires me. Little does he know that he earned my respect and admiration the moment we had our first conversation four years ago. He is clever and determined. He has no fear of evil. He always knows how to confront threats of physical harm, and he stands up for people he represents. He is simply a force to reckon with. For his intense commitment to justice, and for his tenderness towards me, I am falling in love.
Perhaps, this is my last entry about my singlehood.
I have never felt so safe with someone until he came along. It started with a text to seek an advice a few weeks ago. Then it was to catch up after not being in touch for the last three years. Just like that, we were on the phone, talking about our favorite topics - workers rights, the state of the world, and how we can make it better. The calls went from "hello" at 10:00 pm, to 2:00 am, when I was just too tired to continue talking, even though getting off the phone got harder each time. The truth is, I have never felt so comfortable and connected to someone so instantly, as if I have known him for years. His voice - patient and respectful, his tone - soothing with love. He said he admires me. Little does he know that he earned my respect and admiration the moment we had our first conversation four years ago. He is clever and determined. He has no fear of evil. He always knows how to confront threats of physical harm, and he stands up for people he represents. He is simply a force to reckon with. For his intense commitment to justice, and for his tenderness towards me, I am falling in love.
Perhaps, this is my last entry about my singlehood.
I think I tried it all
Yes, I am referring to the modern day dating vehicles - speed dating nights, online pages such as match.com, and even private service like It's Just Lunch. My conclusion is there is no way for that perfect match through pure luck. It was adverturous in that I meet people I would never have met or would even contemplate a conversation.
At the only speeddating event I went to several months ago, a man in his late 60's or 70 was very interested in me. I was shocked that he was serious. Sensing that I was not interested in him, he attempted to sacrifice himself as my teacher in all things I need to know about love. He was imposing and just felt he was entitled to have me do as he say. I promised him I'll be in touch with him, and I promised him I'll call him back. I never did, and I don't feel a bit guilty about it.
As for the dating websites, it's always a lot of chatter but I did not bother to actually set up a time to meet anyone. The truth is, I am not interested in anyone I read about on those sites.
The one thing I have always been sure about is he will walk into my life, naturally.
At the only speeddating event I went to several months ago, a man in his late 60's or 70 was very interested in me. I was shocked that he was serious. Sensing that I was not interested in him, he attempted to sacrifice himself as my teacher in all things I need to know about love. He was imposing and just felt he was entitled to have me do as he say. I promised him I'll be in touch with him, and I promised him I'll call him back. I never did, and I don't feel a bit guilty about it.
As for the dating websites, it's always a lot of chatter but I did not bother to actually set up a time to meet anyone. The truth is, I am not interested in anyone I read about on those sites.
The one thing I have always been sure about is he will walk into my life, naturally.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Persistance
I went on a date today. Well, actually, let me correct that. I thought I was suppose to go on a date today. But the person didn't show up. He did call after 45 minutes to say that he was running late. I was fifteen minutes late so I felt guilty leaving 30 minutes after the supposed meeting time. Then time flew. I finished my newspaper almost cover to cover. At that point, I didn't care to meet this person who has no respect for people's time. Although I enjoyed the quietness of the restaurant and the pretty good food, I was left to wonder again whether it's worth my time trying to meet strangers. After all, I don't have that much time. I don't even feel there is enough time to relax or to do all the things I wanted to do like make all the beautiful necklaces I have created in my head.
Love? I don't mean to sound negative, but do people really find love meeting total strangers?
For all the blind dates I went out on, the men I met were all so different from me but similar to each other. They earn good money and live in luxury houses or rental apartments. Their political views were always further right than I was comfortable. They all have a negative view of unions. And they wanted a pretty and successful single woman with no kids. This is the profile of New York City professional finance guys in a nutshell.
Should I just let things happen rather than try to make things happen? If there is someone out there for me, I would meet that person, someday. But this just doesn't sound like a good plan. Every experience is an experience. But do I need to experience everything to know how it feels like? As I march forth to find this man, as I have not given up yet, I hope to learn more about myself. Perhaps with more experiences, good or bad, I would come to a conclusion of what would really make me happy and content. As is with success, happiness is not given. Happiness is earned.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Bitter Sweet Valentines Day
It feels great to feel wonderful being single. When Valentines Day came, I just want to be alone, with my favorite Mandarin trilogy in DVD - the Three Kingdoms. Well, perhaps it's not my favorite but that's what I am following right now. The DVD, along with a cup of homemade fruity tea, I would be perfectly content. I had no expectation from anyone in my life. I did get the lovely texts wishing me a happy Valentines Day. I was happy to be remembered. On the actual day, I just went about life as normal and slept with the kids early - at 9:15 pm.
But the last two days got me thinking primarily because a girlfriend told me she is launching back into the dating scene again. She is truly single with no kids to take care of. She is also older. She is lucky to have all the time in the world, really. But I don't. I am not free until the kids are in bed. And my free days from the kids have evolved into not really free because I miss them so much and didn't mind having them back for the sleep over. Now they are even more resistant to being with the ex for an over night. When they stay over with me on the weekends, I would end up making a full breakfast, which always result in lots of dishes to clean. So I am exhausted. How do I date with this schedule?
I still haven't figure that part out. With such limited time, and the need to really move along in my career, is this something I really can't put a hold on?
But the last two days got me thinking primarily because a girlfriend told me she is launching back into the dating scene again. She is truly single with no kids to take care of. She is also older. She is lucky to have all the time in the world, really. But I don't. I am not free until the kids are in bed. And my free days from the kids have evolved into not really free because I miss them so much and didn't mind having them back for the sleep over. Now they are even more resistant to being with the ex for an over night. When they stay over with me on the weekends, I would end up making a full breakfast, which always result in lots of dishes to clean. So I am exhausted. How do I date with this schedule?
I still haven't figure that part out. With such limited time, and the need to really move along in my career, is this something I really can't put a hold on?
Monday, January 21, 2013
Going on Dates
I am going on dates. Yes, I am. I just get them set up and go. If I evaluate too much about whether I should be working, spending time with the kids, making jewelry, reading a book or watching another attention gripping Asian soap, I would never date. Most of finding the right guy is probably just being out there. Being a working person is not so easy to meet new friends these days, let alone meeting the potential Mr. Right.
But dating is about patience. Sometimes, one meets a relatively self-absorb person and there goes the time - tick tock tick tock ... when is dinner over?
Then there are times when I meet a nice guy who I could have a wonderful conversation with, but who would be shocked I have two children.
So I am meeting many friends, and I'll will not be short of pals to watch movies or see plays. Perhaps that's what life is all about - companionship and great experiences. The end goal may not be to find that Mr. Right, but to live the stimulating experiences of each day.
But dating is about patience. Sometimes, one meets a relatively self-absorb person and there goes the time - tick tock tick tock ... when is dinner over?
Then there are times when I meet a nice guy who I could have a wonderful conversation with, but who would be shocked I have two children.
So I am meeting many friends, and I'll will not be short of pals to watch movies or see plays. Perhaps that's what life is all about - companionship and great experiences. The end goal may not be to find that Mr. Right, but to live the stimulating experiences of each day.
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