My Heart is Healing

Work can be good, especially when I get to hear all the difficult life stories of so many people and I can put life in perspective.  Not being appreciated at work can really hurt one's psychi immeasurably.  I came to understand that Cesar's withdrawal from me could have nothing to do with me, or mostly about  him trying to find himself now that he feels like he failed at work and may lose his livelihood.  He may feel that he may lose me in the process.  I don't know.  I no longer feel I need to know.  We must find our own answers and seek our own solutions.  All I can do is be supportive of his decisions, trusting that he is on the right path just as he had been for so long before we got together.

He is special, no doubt.  But I was drawn in to the point that I couldn't focus on anything else.  That's bad.  In fact, it is too painful.  After not getting a response to my WeChating "good night" every night, and "good morning" every morning, I stopped.  He has not responded for so long I no longer feel excited to do so.  I don't want to know why because it no longer mattered.  It no longer mattered because he had been told that it is important to me that he replies but he chose not to do so.

We can only expect to matter to those we love if we make sure those we love matters.  Based on last month's experience, with him flying to Spain for a week and remained non-communicado for that whole time, then returning to Dallas only to get so busy he couldn't talk, I felt his ex-wife's pain of being ignored, which she reciprocated.  I don't want to be treated like I don't matter.  My own Ex made me feel that way and led to our divorce.  Men just don't understand how to love.

I am feeling a lot better today.  I feel I can focus my attention on my kids and the things that would make me happy.  I mailed him some clothes for father's day.  I hope he is happy to know that I care and that he matters.  Beyond that, he needs to work harder to make us happen.

I can't have another person walk all over me emotionally.  Been there, and experienced it again this past month.  I am done.  

Losing it?

Silence is a killer.  It is time for too much thinking ... wondering ... questioning.  It is time to roam the infinite unknown.  I suppose it is at this very moment that trust is most vital.  But we are creatures who can't help how we feel.

It used to be that he would call me often.  Now, we are living not just physically apart, but mentally apart.  It has been very difficult since he lost his campaign.  I asked and I asked, in my hesitated talk and in texts, whether he is still trying to come to New York.  He said desperation gives him anxiety.  He said he wants to focus on his work but not kill himself over it anymore.  He worries about his health, saying he is very sleepy after every meal.  He stopped calling at night, with reasons for why he does not pick up and why he didn't call.

I am worry too.  I am worry about my own health from not being with him.  I worry that this distance will kill us both, or kill what we have build.

I still wonder if I know him.  I sometimes wonder if I am in love with being in love, so this silence and uncertainty is naturally tearing me apart.  But then again, we are all in love with being in love.  The feeling is wonderful.  One-sided love can be so isolating ... lonely ... sad.

I went shopping today for fathers day.  There are two men I need in my life right now - Cesar and the father of my children.  (My Dad will get cash, as always.)  I just want to love them and show them love.  My goal is to show I care.  No desire for anything in return.  I just want to love.  I want to live my everyday with happiness.  I don't feel it right now.  And I fear transferring those feelings to those around me.

Perhaps, the next post will be something more cheerful.

Aching Heart

Silence has a way of creating doubt.  From red hot feelings needing to talk every minute to silence is torture.  I guess I did that to him just after we parted in Florida.  That was because I needed him to show me this relationship isn't all about him and his needs, that he can focus on me a bit too.  Afterall, it was my birthday.  That was back in early March.

Between March and now, he lost a huge organizing campaign, got disrespected by his superiors and colleagues about his abilities, and appeared to be lost about who he is.  My heart aches for him.  I know he is in pain.

But silence, this silence he is imposing on me, is tearing me apart.  I am not so strong.  I need a response on WeChat.  I need my calls returned.  I need him to tell me what is on his mind, not what he wants me to hear.

I miss him deeply.  I want to cry.