My Heart is Healing

Work can be good, especially when I get to hear all the difficult life stories of so many people and I can put life in perspective.  Not being appreciated at work can really hurt one's psychi immeasurably.  I came to understand that Cesar's withdrawal from me could have nothing to do with me, or mostly about  him trying to find himself now that he feels like he failed at work and may lose his livelihood.  He may feel that he may lose me in the process.  I don't know.  I no longer feel I need to know.  We must find our own answers and seek our own solutions.  All I can do is be supportive of his decisions, trusting that he is on the right path just as he had been for so long before we got together.

He is special, no doubt.  But I was drawn in to the point that I couldn't focus on anything else.  That's bad.  In fact, it is too painful.  After not getting a response to my WeChating "good night" every night, and "good morning" every morning, I stopped.  He has not responded for so long I no longer feel excited to do so.  I don't want to know why because it no longer mattered.  It no longer mattered because he had been told that it is important to me that he replies but he chose not to do so.

We can only expect to matter to those we love if we make sure those we love matters.  Based on last month's experience, with him flying to Spain for a week and remained non-communicado for that whole time, then returning to Dallas only to get so busy he couldn't talk, I felt his ex-wife's pain of being ignored, which she reciprocated.  I don't want to be treated like I don't matter.  My own Ex made me feel that way and led to our divorce.  Men just don't understand how to love.

I am feeling a lot better today.  I feel I can focus my attention on my kids and the things that would make me happy.  I mailed him some clothes for father's day.  I hope he is happy to know that I care and that he matters.  Beyond that, he needs to work harder to make us happen.

I can't have another person walk all over me emotionally.  Been there, and experienced it again this past month.  I am done.