Emotional Ups and Downs

It hurts to be ignored, especially by someone who one is in love with.  Cesar knows that.  He told me he felt so bad for that few days when I wanted to slow things down and not talk so much at night.  He never quite heard me when I said my immune system is down and I am trying to fight a virus.  Yet, he shut me out as soon as he found an escape to Spain for a course, and then more other courses.  It's all about him - his needs.  

I tried so hard to understand, to empathize.  But it hurts to be ignored.  I still feel ignored.  How can I not?  He does not respond to my texts.  He does not answer my calls.  He calls whenever he feels like it or when he has time.  Was he not so busy before?  We all make time for those we care to hear from.  

He learned last week that his phone was not getting my texts and he was not getting my calls.  We tested it over the phone.  And though I called, he said he didn't hear it ring.  So strange.  In any case, it seems that sometimes he gets my texts, but sometimes he does not.  So three days ago, I texted and asked to talk.  We talked.  I told him how I felt.  He said he loves me and he wants to be with me.  He told me I am controlling and plans everything but that he needs to love himself first and be in control of his life first before we can be happy.  I agreed - we have to have control over our lives first.  Nevertheless, all I asked was that we be in communication, like a text showing that I was on his mind or what he may be doing.  He said that's too much pressure.  But he reassured me that he loves me.

From that conversation, I decided that it's best that I stop expecting we talk at all.  He is not interested.  So why bother.  It takes two to have a conversation.  I miss him and I think of him all the time.  It's difficult emotionally.  But I seem to feel better each day.

Yesterday, he called a little after 11:00 pm.  I was very tired and was already almost in bed.  But I missed him so I stayed up to talk.  The conversation as dry.  I listened and showed my support for what he was doing at work.  I did not want to get too involved because I don't want him to think or feel that I want to control him.  I don't.  When I wanted to say good night because he kept saying he was tired 'cause he had a long day, he said I didn't want to talk.  I said I didn't know what to say.  Our conversation went back in the direction of talking about how I felt neglected, ignored and how depressed I felt.  But I emphasized that I was feeling better.  He said he loves me but that it appears to him that he can't plan the future because I don't want to get married before my kids go to college, for financial aid reasons, and he can't plan the present because he has his debt and I don't like debt.  I didn't know what to say to that.  Yes, those were my concerns.  Were they not legitimate?  

To stay sane, I am reading two books about love, and going back to doing things I love - painting.  I signed up for a two full-day painting class and I bought DVDs that teach painting techniques.  I can't wait to explore paintings more fully.  To love can hurt so much.  One day up, like today, and another day down.  My emotional vulnerability still feels so raw, even at 40.  Age doesn't change the way we feel.  It just makes it more manageable because we can put those feelings in better perspective.

Love can really hurt.  Am I brave enough to keep going?