I have marched forth in this relationship with Cesar. Being patient with his search for his life direction, and his attempt to keep things calm with his ex, really meant I can't put any pressure on him, consciously or unconsciously. I am not sure if I am doing a good job. I guess sometimes I am and he feels love and support. But other times, he still feels I am putting stress on him. I feel like I am walking on egg shells.
Cesar knows I wanted to see him. He tried to take a week off and come see me this week but his boss said no. He got more depressed. He won a campaign but was asked to withdraw a bigger one that he bet his career on. People are breathing down his neck. Being that he is a leader type, he has strong instincts about what to do in any situation. Being told repeatedly about how to do things a certain way that goes against his instinct has been very difficult. Self-doubt and a lack of control over things are tearing him apart.
He drinks on Saturdays now. Admitting that he got wasted, he said he needed to solve his problems his way and he needed to figure things out on his own time. Yes, I understand. But it doesn't make it easier when I have to watch it happen and be kept at a distance. Where do I fit in?
I am slowly coming to realize that I have been asking the wrong question. He needs a friend more than a lover right now. He needs my support with no strings attached.
Yesterday, a Saturday, I was missing him so much I busied myself with researching the upcoming trip to Hawaii for a conference. I texted him that I will cover his airfare so long as he can commit to coming. Today is Sunday. I have not heard back yet, and I have no intention of texting or calling. I I realized today that he needed to be totally lost and find himself again, at his own pace. He will get wasted every Saturday until he gets the frustration out of his system, or not, and come out of it all on his own. It is not about me. He is in search of his being and his place in this world. I love him for all that he is and will be. I can only pray that his luck will change and his calling become clear. For all that he is, I love. Now, I just keep myself busy, engage in self-improvements, and pursue my career. Life is a journey. I want to walk it with someone special. Cesar is special. I just have to be patient.
