Silence is a killer. It is time for too much thinking ... wondering ... questioning. It is time to roam the infinite unknown. I suppose it is at this very moment that trust is most vital. But we are creatures who can't help how we feel.
It used to be that he would call me often. Now, we are living not just physically apart, but mentally apart. It has been very difficult since he lost his campaign. I asked and I asked, in my hesitated talk and in texts, whether he is still trying to come to New York. He said desperation gives him anxiety. He said he wants to focus on his work but not kill himself over it anymore. He worries about his health, saying he is very sleepy after every meal. He stopped calling at night, with reasons for why he does not pick up and why he didn't call.
I am worry too. I am worry about my own health from not being with him. I worry that this distance will kill us both, or kill what we have build.
I still wonder if I know him. I sometimes wonder if I am in love with being in love, so this silence and uncertainty is naturally tearing me apart. But then again, we are all in love with being in love. The feeling is wonderful. One-sided love can be so isolating ... lonely ... sad.
I went shopping today for fathers day. There are two men I need in my life right now - Cesar and the father of my children. (My Dad will get cash, as always.) I just want to love them and show them love. My goal is to show I care. No desire for anything in return. I just want to love. I want to live my everyday with happiness. I don't feel it right now. And I fear transferring those feelings to those around me.
Perhaps, the next post will be something more cheerful.
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