Conflicting Feelings

At 40, I am feeling good, yet conflicted at times.  I feel great that I can let go of a man and not feel so guilty about perhaps not having tried my best.  The truth is, I always try my best.  Accumulated experiences is what gives wisdom to truly knowing when it's time to quit.

So deep down, I know Cesar is not right for me ... not the way he thinks about relationships and how money ought to be spend.  He is indebted for a reason - he spends beyond his means, which means what other people thinks of him mattered too much.  I am not like that at all.  There is nothing more important to me than to be financially independent so that I can have choices in life.  Enough out there that are beyond my control.  I do not need to add more worries to myself by being foolish and vain.

Cesar came from a different past.  He has passion and determination, but there were enough bad influences in the past that made him who he is today.  I believe I see a man who had his building blocks completely shattered because of his divorce and because of his ways.  He feared losing me everyday because he knows the truth about how he spends - that he figured no tomorrow in his planning.  He knows that reality about him would disgust me.  But I finally accepted that conclusion about him.  The energy of all the things that continue to happen to him originate from his principles about money and priorities.

When I let go of him mentally, I felt a sense of relieve - a sense that I no longer needed to wonder about what exactly were his troubles and if there were ways I could help.  I could not help someone who had values and principles that kept driving himself into the same problems.  He has to take responsibilities of his actions.

It's sad but I rather live life by being true to myself and to those around me.

So I will continue to be his friend and be there for him when he needs me.  But I have to feed myself with love and happiness - and that means to have the freedom to find the ONE.

P.S. Cesar finally came to visit in December.  But because he told his kids he had no money, he had to fly back immediately when his daughter ran to take a bus to see him after she got into another argument with her mom that prompted another call to the police.  He had no money so I funded a trip that made me mad.  A person who lacks principle could never be forthright.  So it was a serious 24 hours of loving and realization that I am done.